Host: Kevin Carlin
[cheers, hollering and applause]
Kevin: [00:00:07] Denver. Denver Moth. Denver Moth. You guys did it. We won the 2016 Battle of Slams. Congratulations.
[cheers, hollering and applause]
Betsy: [00:00:19] Welcome to The Moth Podcast. I'm Betsy Lamberson, The Moth Denver StorySLAM producer.
Kevin: [00:00:23] And I'm Kevin Carlin, host of Denver StorySLAMs.
Betsy: [00:00:26] This time last year, we had our first ever Moth Battle of the SLAMs, a friendly competition between all the local SLAM cities around the country to see which city would be crowned our fundraising champ and help The Moth flame keep burning. Because we SLAMmers love a good competition. So, today, Kevin and I are excited to share three stories on the podcast, each from a Denver StorySLAM or GrandSLAM.
Kevin: [00:00:46] Our first story comes from Andrew Orvedahl. One of the great things about The Moth StorySLAMs, is that every show we have at least a couple people who are doing it for the first time ever, they've never told a story before. And it's in front of a crowd of 300 people. That's a big crowd for your first time. It's scary, but it's also super rewarding, because it's such a great crowd. I mean, that's the crowd to try it in front of, because you can do no wrong in front of them. They're so supportive.
So, Andrew's story, I love this one because it speaks to that rush of stage fright that we're all familiar with. Andrew shared this story at our inaugural SLAM, where the theme of the night was, of course, Firsts. Here is Andrew Orvedahl.
[applause]
Andrew: [00:01:27] In April of this year, I got an email through my personal website from a guy who said that he booked the Tonight Show in New York City, and he asked me if I wanted to make my standup comedy debut on the Tonight Show. I immediately thought, this is a cool prank. There's no way that this is a real thing. I asked my manager at the time, "Is this a real guy? Is this a real thing?" And he's like, "Yeah, of course, it is. How stupid could you possibly be? Yeah, respond to him." So, I responded to the guy. And over the course of months, I had to keep sending him tapes of me doing comedy. We whittled the set together, and then I just waited around and I was like, “I guess he didn't really like what he heard.”
And then, last Thursday when I woke up, I got a phone call first thing in the morning from a New York area code, and it was that guy from the Tonight Show. He’s like, "Hey, this Monday, do you want to come to New York City and tape the Tonight Show?" I was like, “What?” I just woke up. I think I'm still dreaming, like, “What's happening?” I'm going to fall down the stairs. I don't know what's happening. I was like, "Yeah. Yeah, I do." And so, right then, they flew me to New York City that Sunday, and they are like, "You have to practice your jokes. On Sunday, in New York City, you need to go out and you need to rehearse your jokes."
So, I went out to different comedy clubs and I practiced my jokes. At the last comedy club, the last show I did, they didn't like any of my jokes. They liked the comedians before me and they liked the comedians after me, they didn't like me at all. So, I just ate it. That's how I got pumped up to do a Tonight Show taping, just eating it and feeling terrible about every joke, and then I went back to the hotel and I was like, "Oh, I think I'm making a terrible mistake." I went to sleep. The next morning, I woke up, and it was time to tape.
I've never been skydiving, and I never want to go skydiving and hopefully I never will unless someone drugs me and tricks me into doing it, which I don't think you can do. But [audience chuckles] I feel the nerves I had to this day were probably akin to skydiving. I was worthless. I couldn't eat any food, I couldn't have a conversation with someone because halfway through the conversation, I would just fade off. I just mentally picture myself tripping on stage in front of all these people [chuckles] watching me on TV. I was like garbage.
Then it was time to go to the studio and actually record it. It was at 30 Rock, which I've seen on the show 30 Rock. I was like, "Oh, I know this place. I've seen it so many times." I was like, “Wait, I've never been here before. I just think that I know it. I'd never actually set foot in here.” And so, it's time to get ready. They put me in the makeup chair. They put so much makeup on me, I looked like a replicant from Blade Runner or something. [audience chuckles] And then, a hairdresser came in, she looked at my hair and she’s like, "Do you want some coverage?" I was like, “I didn't know what that meant. What does that mean?"
She’s like, "Well, we have a spray fiber that we put on certain areas--" She's trying to be as delicate as possible. I'm like, "Oh, yeah, for the bald parts of my head." Ultimately, I said, "No.” I was like, “No, I guess not, because I can't be on TV with a lush head of hair and then a week later [audience chuckles] be in a comedy club.” And they're like, "Oh, he got so sick [audience laughter] after that appearance. Something horrible had happened."
So, then I'm all done up and then I just have to wait. This is like the plane climbing altitude. Basically, I'm just pacing and I'm like, "My life is going to be different after this. My life is not going to be the same after this." That's the thought in my head. I'm like, “My life is going to be different after this.” And then, they come and they're like, "It's you. It’s your turn. Come back here." They take me back behind the curtain, and it's all dark and I'm like, “Holy [beep] We're at altitude. I have my parachute on and my goggles and everything. There's a big guy holding the curtain, and he goes, "20 seconds." He says it in a voice like a special forces soldier [audience chuckles] or something, just like, "20 seconds."
It's like the door of the plane just opened and the wind is rushing in. It's time to jump. I'm like, "I don't know if I can do this." And then, they introduce me. They open the curtain and I have to walk out there. I realize in hindsight that the director of the show has positioned himself right behind me. There's a big part of me that thinks he would have pushed me if I didn't go right out. [audience laughter] He would have been like, "You're going out. You're not going to hide behind the curtain."
So, I go out and I find my mark. I may as well have just fallen out of a plane the way that I'm approaching this mark. The mark is a brass three leaf clover inlaid into the floor. You're not supposed to step on it. You're supposed to stand one foot to the left, which I'm trying to gauge a foot as I'm walking up, like, “How big is a foot? [audience laughter] I don't know. Picture a hot dog next to this clover. [audience laughter] Don't fuck this up.” And then, I start. I start speaking and I'm like, “Oh, my God, I'm talking. I'm doing it and I'm still alive and this is happening.”
But the problem is I am terrified. There are parts of my body that are no longer responding. My microphone hand is locked up like this. It's done moving. All the joints have fused together, and it's done. And at one point, I reach over with my free hand and I'm trying to manually winch it down, [audience laughter] like, “Relax, mannequin. What's happening?” [audience chuckles] Also, from time to time, with my free hand, I'll reach over and just gently touch the tip of the microphone, as if to just reassure myself that I'm holding a microphone. [audience chuckles] I don't know.
But here's the weird thing. The crowd is really enjoying it. They're clapping like they're at a magic show and they've never heard sentences before. It's ridiculous. [audience laughter] They're devaluing the currency of the applause break for me. It's amazing. And then, it's over. Just as fast as it started, it's over. I'm like, “Oh, my God. I'm on the ground.” The parachute's laying around me. I pee everywhere, [audience chuckles] almost. I would have peed if I had jumped off a plane. And then, I'm back in Denver, and it is over just like that, like a whirlwind. And then, I've been recognized one time from being on TV since then.
I was at Target five minutes before closing, buying a broom and four boxes of macaroni and cheese. [audience laughter] An employee walked by me, and she's like, "Hey, you did a great job on the TV the other night." I just started laughing, and I was like, "I guess my life is different.” Thanks, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
Betsy: [00:07:04] That was Andrew Orvedahl. Andrew is a standup comic writer and actor based out of Denver, Colorado. He created the hit storytelling show, The Narrators. And you can see him on his show, Those Who Can't" on TruTV. For more information on Andrew and his endeavors, visit fiveunicorns.com.
Madeleine Berenson is our second storyteller today. Madeleine's a regular at the SLAMs, and she won the night with this story. The theme of the night was Busted. And there's something about the way she tells the story that makes me just want to curl up with a cup of hot cocoa and a blanket and listen to a bedtime story. Here's Madeleine Berenson, live at The Moth.
[applause]
Madeleine: [00:07:40] I grew up in such a big family that the kids in my family were divided into two major groups, the big kids and the little kids. And I'm the second oldest, so I was one of the big kids. I was actually quite proud of that, because it was much cooler to be a big kid than a little kid. We, big kids, were innovators and leaders. We did super cool things like spy on neighbors and cheat at Monopoly. Whereas the little kids mostly just sat around eating paste and [audience chuckles] shitting themselves. [audience laughter] So, much more cache in the big kid group.
One of our favorite activities as big kids was scaring the little kids. I'm not really sure why we liked doing it as much as we did, but we did it a lot. And we were actually quite good at it. [audience chuckles] I was probably the best at it. And I'm proud of that. I'm actually better at scaring little kids. I'm still really good at it, actually. [audience laughter] I'm better at scaring little kids than I even knew that I was. And case in point, 1967, when I was eight years old, my brother Peter, who was six years old and also a big kid, and I were exploring some dark, navigated corner in our basement. We came across this box. In the box were these two horrifying masks that we had never seen before, one of a witch and one of a werewolf.
They were so realistic. They weren't grotesque, exaggerated and comical, like Halloween masks. They looked real. They looked like a real witch and a real werewolf. And as we held these things in our hands, and felt the weight and import of them, we both simultaneously had the exact same idea, which was, "These would be awesome for scaring the little kids." As we let that feeling wash over us, we realized that if we were strategic and smart about it, we could reach new ground. We could go beyond scaring and actually downright terrify the little kids. [audience chuckles] And so, that was our goal. And we set about--
I was actually the leader. I know it's bragging, but I was the leader in this. [audience laughter] We set about the next three days. We took three days to put this plan together, because we didn't want to do something ordinary and waste the potential of these masks. So, we didn't want to just put them on, like wearing our pajamas and jump out from behind the couch. We wanted to transform ourselves into an actual witch and an actual werewolf. So, we sourced unrecognizable clothing from our parents’ closets and assembled the most amazing costumes. Actually, we prefer the word "disguises," because "costumes" doesn't do it justice.
We even found hand coverings and shoes that nobody would ever associate with us. And we put them all in a box. Once we had assembled all the pieces of our disguises, the plan was this. That Saturday night, as soon as the house was dark, Peter was going to sneak into my room, we were going to put on our disguises and we were going to creep up the hallway into our little brother Charlie and Tony's room, who were five and four at the time. [audience chuckles] We were going to loom over their beds, and awaken them from slumber and terrify them. [audience chuckles]
This was such a delicious prospect that it was actually really good that it took three days, because we really got to stretch out the anticipation. My favorite part about this plan, in retrospect, is that's where it stopped. Like, it never occurred to us to think about what we might want to do once our parents had been awakened by our screaming brothers in the middle of the night. It's never even occurred to us. I mean, we would just get to that point where they were so terrified, and we would dissolve into sinister laughter, [audience laughter] we'd wipe our hands together. It was just like perfect. Why go anywhere else? This was nirvana.
So, anyway, the night finally came. The night came, and everything at first went as planned. The house was quiet. Peter snuck into my room. We started putting on our disguises. And I have to tell you, we looked exactly like a witch and a werewolf. I mean, we scared ourselves. We'd look at each other and just be alarmed at how frightening we were. And the pièce de résistance, the best part of both of our costumes was this scarf that I found that was navy blue with white polka dots.
I'm 57 years old. It's been almost 50 years, and I still remember this scarf. It was so brilliant, because it covered the top of the mask and it covered my telltale hairline. I tied it over the top of my head. And not only did it serve to disguise these recognizable aspects of the disguise, but it looked exactly like the kind of headgear an actual witch would wear. So, it was super true to form. Anyway, we were all done, and we started walking up the black and white checkered hallway. With every step we took, we got deeper and deeper into character. We were lifting our hands higher and higher. And we got to their door, and we slowly opened it, and I started cackling, and Peter started growling. All of a sudden, this huge, looming, dark figure arose from Tony's bed and turned to us and said, "You two get out of here right now." [audience laughter]
And it was our mother, who had apparently fallen asleep while reading Tony's story. Well, I don't have to tell you what a code red situation this was. It was bad. [audience laughter] There was nothing to do except run back to our rooms, strip the costumes, jump under our covers and pull the blankets up. I mean, we're talking wooden spoon material here. [audience chuckles] This was bad. So, we were the ones who ended up getting terrified, right, waiting for her to come in and exact our punishment. But she didn't. She didn't come in.
And then, the next day, we thought, well, we better tiptoe around this and not mention it, because she has forgotten, and we don't want to remind her. Nothing happened the next day. So, we got away with it, except for the one piece of important information was that these beautiful costumes were wasted. They were so realistic and so perfect, and they did not realize their full potential. Or, so I thought. Because three years later, when I got punished for something I did not do and I did not deserve to be punished for, [audience chuckles] I had gathered my younger siblings around me, and I was holding court, talking about, "Mom's mean, mom's unfair. I don't like Mom." And they were all listening to me.
And my little brother Tony, who was then seven, piped up and said, [whispers] "Mom's brave." And I said, "What are you talking about? Mom's brave?" And he said, [whispers] "Mom's brave. One night, a long time ago, a witch and a werewolf came into our room, and mom told them, 'Get out.' And they ran away. [audience laughter] And she wasn't even scared." [audience laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Kevin: [00:14:42] One more time for Madeleine, huh? Wow.
Madeleine Berenson spent many of her early years moving from place to place. She grew up in different states, in large houses, far away from other people and packed to the rafters with oddities from the flea market. In other words, the ideal childhood for a writer, which is what she grew up to be, as well as a ski instructor. Madeleine now lives in Eagle-Vail, Colorado, with her adored and adoring husband, David, and is a mother and stepmother to four children and two dogs.
Betsy: [00:15:14] Story crafting can be really difficult sometimes, and the hardest thing can be getting it down to five minutes for a StorySLAM. And what I love about Madeleine's story is her ending. She completely nails it on how to cut off a story.
Kevin: [00:15:27] Yeah, the ending is very strong. Sometimes when we're going through the rules, and one of the rules is "make sure that it's a story," and we remind people, "Make sure it has a beginning, a middle and an end. And especially an end."
Betsy: [00:15:39] Yeah. [Kevin chuckles] And with that, our final story today comes from Harry Fleenor. Harry is the oldest storyteller at The Moth. And in a few weeks, he'll be turning 97 years old.
A couple notes about the story. During his story, the mic stand kept sliding down to about the middle of his chest, and you'll hear where he had to adjust it. Harry told the story at the Denver GrandSLAM, where the theme of the night was Fish Out of Water. Here's Harry Fleenor, live at The Moth.
[cheers and applause]
Harry: [00:16:10] When I was seven years old back in Parker, Kansas, my dad ran the newspaper there. We lived on a farm about a mile out of town. And every day, he took me and dropped me off and went on into town. Now, I'd never lived on a farm before, so all of the farm boys in school told me about how wonderful a farm was. And they told me about a word I never heard called sex. [audience laughter] Now, not only that, but they told me about the little blonde in the second grade that would do it for a Milky Way. [audience chuckles]
Now, I didn't know what-- "Am I all right? [audience chuckles] Am I normal?” Anyway, this summer, after that-- My dad would come out sometimes and have lunch with mom, and then he'd jump in the car and go back to work real quick. Am I growing or am I getting shorter? [audience chuckles] Hello? I'm having a hell of a conversation with this thing. [audience laughter] Wait a minute. Now, I forgot where I was.
Well, anyway, on this particular day, dad came home at noon and we ate dinner and I went out and played. And all of a sudden, 45 minutes later, the car was still there. And where was dad? So I looked in the car. He wasn't there. So, I ran in the house and looked all over in the house, and he wasn't there. By this time, I'm getting a little more frightened. I go out and look through the henyard, run around there and not there in the barn, in the corral. I looked down in the pasture by the cow pond. Wasn't there.
I went back in the house, and I had missed a door and it was locked. And I knocked on it. Bang, bang. "Dad, Mom, where are you? Where are you?” Bang, bang. “Oh, my God. They're inside dead. I know it. They're dead. [audience chuckles] They don't answer.” So, I kicked the door open and looked. There on the bed was my dad and mom naked. [audience chuckles] I really didn't appreciate looking at my mom naked. [audience laughter] I don't know if you've ever had the experience, but I don't recommend. [audience laughter] [audience applause]
No, I don't. So, anyway, my mind turned and tumbled and I got scared. I knew one thing, I didn't belong there. [audience laughter] I ran out the door, and I ran up to the barn and sat down on Haymount and said, "They were doing it.” [audience laughter] I know they were doing sex. [audience laughter] What you do is you get in bed a naked mom and dad and you look at each other? [audience laughter] So, now, I remember now what those boys in the fifth and sixth grade were trying to do. They were trying to get me in bed with a naked girl. Not only that, but I thought about it for a while and I thought, well, hey, what they want me to do is get in bed with a naked girl. Then I go and I got to earn 10 pennies, which is a hell of a lot of money, until I got a nickel to buy a Milky Way. [audience laughter]
Well, I'll tell you what I'd rather do. I'd rather be down at the pond fishing or chasing killdeer birds or singing in the Boogie Boys. So, they want me, those guys. I go down and I got to give her my Milky Way. [audience laughter] Forget it. [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause]
Hey. Right. Right there, I decided for my life I am never ever going to do sex the rest of my life. [audience laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Kevin: [00:21:49] That was Harry Fleenor. If you've been to a Denver StorySLAM, you'll know that Harry has such a rich past to draw stories from. He studied law and journalism, served in medical supply for the US Army in World War II, and safe to say he didn't keep that promise at the end of his story. Harry went on to father nine children. Nowadays, Harry spends his time dancing, hunting and attending local Toastmasters meetings and is very proud to still work as a car salesman. Thanks, Harry, we can't wait to hear your next story.
Betsy: [00:22:18] That's going to do it for the podcast this week. Thanks to all of our Denver storytellers and listeners for making this happen, and to all of you for helping make the Battle of the SLAM, such a success. For more information on how you can donate and support The Moth, visit our website, themoth.org.
Kevin: [00:22:33] You can also find more information about upcoming SLAM dates there too. And if you're in the Denver area for a SLAM, feel free to stop by and say hi. Until then, have a story-worthy week.
Betsy: [00:22:44] Kevin Carlin is a former stand-up comedian from Buffalo, New York. He started telling Moth stories in New York City before moving to Denver, where he now lives with his wife and kids and works as a court stenographer. He has been hosting The Moth Denver StorySLAMs for several years and loves telling and hearing stories.
Kevin: [00:22:59] Betsy Lamberson is the local producer of the Denver StorySLAM. She has told stories at The Moth Mainstage about her experience surviving a terrorist bombing. Originally from Casper, Wyoming, she currently lives in Denver with her five-month-old son.
Betsy: [00:23:12] Podcast production by Timothy Lou Ly. The Moth Podcast is presented by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange.
Kevin: [00:23:18] Helping make public radio more public at prx.org.