Host: Dan Kennedy
Dan: [00:00:02] Welcome to The Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. We have two great stories for you on the show this week. The first one is from Angela Lush. She told this story live in Melbourne. The theme of the night was Firsts. Here's Angela.
[cheers and applause]
Angela: [00:00:17] Thank you. Thanks. Okay, so, contrary to what you see here, I actually grew up as a very shy person. I grew up in a country, South Australia, which is thriving metropolis. When I was about 18 or 19, I moved to Adelaide, which completely blew my mind. So, that gives you some idea of the scale that [audience laughter] we're talking about here.
I grew up in quite a conservative family as well. So, I always knew that I was different from them, but I didn't quite know how. So, I thought, what can I do to rebel, but not really rebel my conservative family, so that nobody would see. So, I decided in my 18, 19-year-old naive wisdom, to get a tattoo. My first tattoo, nobody would see it, it would be fine, it would beautiful, it would be amazing.
So, this story is also about the first time that I thought that I knew what I was doing and clearly didn't. [audience laughter] So, [chuckles] I thought, okay, I'm not going to be like the stereotypical drunken idiot on Saturday night getting a tattoo. I'm going to plan it. So, I went into a tattoo parlor. My friend, Kaylee, with a green fairy on her hip had highly recommended. [audience laughter] And I picked out my masterpiece.
It was beautiful. It was like A4 size. I thought, I'm going to get a back piece, you know, go hard or go home. [audience laughter] Beautiful mural. It's very Amazonian. There was leaves, and lilies, and cliffs and waterfalls with a pool. [audience laughter] The moon was setting in the background. The pièce de résistance was on the little cliff jutting out was a unicorn. [audience laughter] I thought, this is something that [chuckles] I love for the rest of my life. [audience laughter] What could possibly go wrong? [audience laughter]
So, I picked out this tattoo. I thought, all right, okay, no alcohol, no late nights. So, Monday afternoon I thought, this is the perfect time. Clearly, tattooists are going to be at their peak after the weekend. [audience laughter] So, on a Monday afternoon-- Oh, sorry. So, on a Monday afternoon, I took some time off uni, went to the tattooist on my own, because I was very independent and mature. And I spoke to him about what I wanted. I thought, okay, I'm just going to get the unicorn and then I can put everything else in around it when I have some more money, essentially.
So, I'm bent over the table, and the tattooist is behind me, and I've lifted up my shirt and he said, “I'm not going to do it on your back.” And I said, “What do you mean you're not going to do it on my back?” And he said, “Oh, it's going to hurt too much. You can't have tattoos on your back.” So, bear in mind, this is 20 or so years ago or 30 years ago. [audience laughter] And so, I thought, okay, well, maybe he's right. Maybe it's going to be too painful. So I thought, maybe, what about on my hip? He said, “No, no, I'm not going to tattoo it on your hip.” I thought, really? Okay. He said, “What about your ass?” I was like, “There's plenty to work with the mural. It'll be fine.” [audience laughter] So, I thought, okay, nobody will see it in the bathers. It'll be okay.
So, my pants are down and he's down. He's putting the stencil on. He's tattooing. What I forgot to mention at this stage is because I was clearly very artistic, classic, it was in black and white, the tattoo. And so, he says to me, “Oh, and I can't do it in black and white, in grayscale. It has to be in color.” And I said, “I'm sorry?” And he said, “I can't do the black and white. It has to be in color.” And he said, “What about brown?” [audience laughter] In my head, I'm thinking, a brown unicorn. [audience laughter] I was like, “Clearly, he's a trained professional.” [audience laughter] And at this moment, I hear a bell and it's the bell of the door on the tattoo shop opening.
I look to my right, and I realized that actually there are no screens up. So, I'm in Hindley Street and professional. I can see people walking down the street. If they casually glance to the left, they can see me bent over with my pants down and a man behind me. [audience laughter] But that actually wasn't the most disturbing part. Three or four guys walked in, and they are clearly friends of the tattooist. So, they stepped up and were chatting with the tattooist and making jokes about what I had for breakfast and the size of my ass and that tattooist, which is quite disturbing, I felt a little bit paralyzed.
The tattooist turns to one of them and says, “So, I'm thinking about doing this brown. What do you think?” He's like, “I think that's a great idea.” I'm on the table. I was like, “Angela, just this happens all the time. Just be mature. You're an adult. This is all going to be fine.” And so, the tattoo progresses and he's like, “How are we going to do? The moon? It's like, well, now it's like the sun and we can't really do it up here, so I'm just going to put it down there.” Of course, I can't see anything, because I'm bent over on the table, and the guys--
And so, I was like, “Okay, let's just go with that.” And he's like, “Oh, you know how there's the grassy cliff?” And he said, “We can't really do that. So, we're just going to do some tufts underneath each hoof. They're going to be bright green.” I was like, “Okay.” So, by this time, I am completely at his mercy. Okay, the tattoo's done, I go out. I haven't seen it, because clearly, mirrors were not invented at that time. [audience laughter] So, I haven't seen the tattoo and I thought, okay, it's going to take a little while to heal.
So, I couldn't really recognize what was happening at first. A couple of days later at home, I'm looking, it's like, “Oh, I'm not quite sure, but with the cream on, it'll be fine.” So, eventually, I got a good look at that tattoo. It wasn't so much the angry eyebrows, or the pooh brown shading, or the bright green tufts of grass or the orange circle, like a religious icon behind its head. [audience laughter] I had discovered, much to my disgust, that my unicorn had no horn. [audience laughter] And so, I had become a person with a horse on their ass. I could not understand how this had happened.
So, I thought about going back and getting the horn put on. I thought, mm, [audience laughter] I really couldn't quite do that. So, I thought my best strategy is to ignore this, which is fine, because I can't really see it. Occasionally, a glance in the mirror. I think it's a spider. It's all fine. [audience laughter] But this obviously becomes a problem when you are sleeping with someone for the first time. As a young 18-year-old from the country, I hadn't really thought that through. I hadn't slept with that many people. So, it quickly, actually became a judge of character.
So people that made noises or My Little Pony did not last very long. [audience laughter] But I have one special friend who I've known for six or seven years. One of the things that I love about him is that he has never, ever mentioned my tattoo. You guys might remember it was a beautiful time, a year or so ago, England were thrown out of the World Cup. He's British, by the way. He lives in Adelaide. He sent me a text a couple of weeks later after this had happened. And he said, “Thank you so much for not mentioning the cricket.” And all I wanted to do was reply and say, “Thank you so much for not mentioning the horse on my ass for the last seven years.” [audience laughter] Thank you.
Dan: [00:07:06] Angela Lush is the founder and director of Lush Logic, a science communication and copywriting agency.
Next up, a story that was told live in London at Union Chapel in Islington. An amazing place to see a moth show if you get the chance. This is from TJ McDonald. Here's TJ.
[applause]
TJ McDonald: [00:07:34] So, when I was 21 years old, George W. Bush was elected president for the second time. And nobody could tell me how that happened. And so, I, a young New Zealand man, immediately fell in love with America. Because America, as we all know, is both amazing and absurd at the same time. I spent my 20s watching the West Wing on repeat and dreaming about going there. When I was 27 years old, I saved up a bit of money, threw on a backpack and went to the States for three months.
When I got on the plane, I was really excited, because I'm a nerd. I had armed myself with facts. I had all these conversation starters like, “Oh, I know all of the American state capitals. [audience laughter] Oh, I can tell you how many electoral college votes you need to be president.” 270. But I got to the states and was disappointed to discover that a lot of Americans do not care for facts. [audience laughter] A lot of my conversation stars were met with blank looks. I found myself a lot of the time just feeling awkward, and embarrassed and small.
When I got to New York City, I was actually scared, because there were just so many people there. In New Zealand, there are four million people. In New York City, there are eight and a half million. So, here is one city that has more than twice the population of my entire country. And while back home, I felt like quite a cosmopolitan man. In New York, I was a country bumpkin. This was never more apparent than the moment I tried to order a hot dog from a fake hot dog cart on a film set in Central Park. [audience laughter]
So embarrassed, I went to Washington, D.C., which you might know as New York, but for nerds. You've got the White House and Congress, you've got all the memorials and museums. But I felt even there, I couldn't escape this American absurdity. I was in the Smithsonian Museum of Air and Space, and I saw a woman berate her husband for believing that people had been to the moon while standing next to a piece of the actual moon. [audience laughter] I just thought, only in America could you meet someone who's gone to the moon, the people that sent them there, a piece of the moon that they brought back from the moon, and the woman who doesn't believe any of it happened. [audience laughter]
I was staying with my friends Kirsten and Damon. I told them how ridiculous I found their country and how I longed for the simplicity of my homeland. And they said, “Oh, well, we should go to the zoo.” “Why?” I asked. Because they said, “Our zoo has a kiwi.” [audience laughter] Now, the kiwi is the national bird of New Zealand, and it could not be more boring. It doesn't fly. It only comes out at night. It is small and brown. It just looks like a rugby ball. Like, that is our national symbol.
But every zoo in New Zealand has a nocturnal house, where you can go and you can see a kiwi shuffling around in the dark. And Washington D.C. has one as well, because Washington D.C. has the first kiwi that was ever born outside of New Zealand. So, the next day, super excited. Damon and I went to the zoo. We paid our admission, went past a bunch of far more interesting animals [audience laughter] and went straight into the nocturnal house. And there was the kiwi enclosure, and the little plaque next to it that had all the information about the bird.
Damon went over to read it. I put my hand on the shoulder. I went, “Buddy, all right, you're here with a New Zealander, okay? I am an expert on this thing. You don't need to read that. Come on, let's go see the bird.” We stood in front of that enclosure for about 15 minutes. Could not see the kiwi. My friend was like, “Hey, maybe we should give it a break, go look at some other animals.” I said, “Listen, it's a very shy bird. A lot of people have been coming in and out. It's probably a bit scared. Let's just give it a little bit more time. We'll definitely see it soon.”
Half an hour, we're there now. We still haven't seen the birds. At this point, my friend breaks. He goes, “Look, I'm sorry, but I am done. I want to go and look at some other animals.” And I said, “Look, I am sorry, okay? But I came here to see this one animal. And you can leave if you like, but I'm not stepping out of this room until I see my national bird.” Because he's a good friend, he said, “Okay, fair enough.”
We were there for an hour. Still no sign of the kiwi. At this point, a mum walked in with her son and he went, “Oh, mummy, why is it dark in here?” And she went, “Oh, that's because it's nighttime in Australia.” [audience laughter] At this point, I just laughed. I just thought, well, you know what? Fair enough. I mean, you're wrong, but for an American, that's pretty good. [audience laughter] And then, she went over to read the plaque and I thought, well, great, at least now she'll realize that she's wrong. She can tell her son the truth and they'll both learn something. But she didn't. She just read it and went-- and left with her son.
And that was the point where I snapped. I turned to my friend and I went, “That is so typically American. How obstinate is she that even when she proved him wrong, she was too proud to admit that to her own son.” I went over to the plaque and I realized that it wasn't a plaque at all. It was a sign that read, “Washington Zoo apologizes, but the Kiwi is with the vet today.” [audience laughter] But the weirdest thing, was that I wasn't even angry. Because actually, standing in a nocturnal house for a crazy long period of time and not seeing a kiwi is like the most New Zealand thing that can ever happen you. [audience laughter] So, there I was in Washington D.C. in a zoo, in the dark and for an hour I felt like I was home.
[cheers and applause]
Dan: [00:13:54] Born and raised In New Zealand, TJ McDonald now lives with his fiancé in a church in Crystal Palace. He's a part time standup comedian and full-time karaoke enthusiast.
That's it for this week. Thanks to you, guys, for listening. And we hope you have a story-worthy week.
Mooj: [00:14:12] Dan Kennedy is the author of the books, Loser Goes First, Rock On, An American Spirit. He's also a regular host and performer with The Moth.
Dan: [00:14:21] Podcast production by Mooj Zadie. Moth events are recorded by Argo Studios here in New York City. They're supervised by Paul Ruest. The Moth Podcast is presented by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more public at prx.org