Host: Chloe Salmon
Chloe: [00:00:04] Welcome to The Moth podcast. I'm your host this week, Chloe Salmon. There are few experiences as simultaneously embarrassing and thrilling as a childhood crush. Whether you were brave enough to approach the object of your affections or were more of a pining-from-afar type. In this episode, we have two stories of childhood crushes and all of the highs and lows that they entailed. My very first crush was on Kyle S. in my kindergarten class. He had boy band hair, could run really fast on the playground, and just generally made my five-year-old heart beat fast. I don't think I ever had the courage to actually say one single word to him, a crush theme that would follow me through my childhood. But I still remember getting goosebumps whenever I saw him smile. Our first storyteller was a bit braver than I was in his pursuit of young love. Tim Lopez told this story at a New York City GrandSLAM, where the theme of the night was Fuel to the Fire. Here’s Tim, live at The Moth.
[cheers and applause]
Tim: [00:01:18] All right. Hello. [audience chuckle] All right. So, it was the first day of sixth grade, which was the last year of elementary school, and the quasi-romantic but completely non-sexual tension was running high. [audience laughter] Years of simmering feelings, requited and/or unrequited crushes, and general preteen angst had come to a boil in this, our last year altogether before being scattered to the winds of junior high.
Everybody knew who they liked. Everybody knew who they like liked. [audience laughter] And the social order was basically pretty much determined. And there was this crazy sense of urgency in the air, like manic, it's-now-or-never kind of feeling. You know, like Europe before the war. [audience laughter] And into this powder keg of proto-hormones walked what can only be described in today's terms as a game changer.
Her name was Renica Powers, and she sauntered into our classroom as if she'd sprung from the pages of a J.Crew catalog. She had very long, curly blonde hair, bright blue eyes, a faint dusting of freckles, and this kind of perfect smile framed by these absolutely symmetrical dimples. She was, empirically speaking, the cutest girl of all time. [audience laughter] And in addition, she had some personality. She had panache, style. And as soon as she walked into our classroom, you could practically hear the sound of our collective innocence shattering. Every guy immediately fell into some kind of love with her, and a fierce competition ensued to see who could get her attention. Now, personally, I felt like I kind of had the inside lane on this. I was the class comedian. I don’t say clown, because I feel like it demeans my work [audience laughter] and people really seemed-- [audience laughter]
I knew where I stood. I felt like I was respected among my peers. I felt like all I really had to do to get her was turn on the proverbial charm. Unfortunately, it became abundantly clear early on that she was more bemused than amused by my antics. I tried everything. I pulled out all the stops. I started with some physical slapstick stuff that was kind of a specialty of mine at the time. When that didn’t work, I moved on to some more cerebral things, topical references. Nothing. Nothing was landing at all. And everything really hit a low point. This one time out in the playground, we were all out there, I was doing some bits, [audience laughter] things were working. I felt like everything was fine. I was getting laughs and then, when it kind of died down.
Renica says in front of everybody, "So do you think you're funny?" And I said, "Well, yeah." [audience laughter] And she says, "Huh. You know, I just don’t think you’re quite as funny as you think you are." I mean which is like ouch. But A, she was right. Let’s be real. B, who even says that, though? [audience laughter] And C, she basically dismantled my entire 12-year identity of my own self as a human being in one sentence. Which, in this perverse way, just made me like her even more and want to impress her.
[audience laughter] So, after that, I really toned down my act. I backed off quite a bit. Until Christmas time rolled around. It was time for the annual Secret Santa. And I pulled a name out of the hat. I unfolded the little piece of paper, and I saw the name written in purple ink, Renica Powers, with a little heart dot over the I. And I thought, “This is perfect. This is my chance. This is my chance to impress her.”
And so I went home and I told my mom. I said, "Mom, there’s this girl that I like at school, and I have to get her a gift for Christmas, and I want something that’s going to really impress her." And my mom said, "Okay. How about jewelry?" And I said, "Jewelry sounds good." So we went to the mall, went to Macy’s, and we picked out this brooch. [audience laughter] It was like a gold-- well, it was a great brooch. All right, it was gold. It was a reindeer. [audience laughter] And it had like a little red, clearly fake ruby nose. And so, I was like, “All right, that’s good. This is seasonally appropriate. [audience laughter] It’s classy. I like it. I’m into it.” We’re driving home, and I just had this feeling like, “I don’t know about this. I don’t know. This just doesn’t have enough punch. It doesn't have enough panache.”
And so, the next day at school, our class went to go visit the third-grade class in their exhibition of gingerbread houses, an annual tradition. And as we're all in line, I'm a few steps behind, Renica and her friend, and we get to this one gingerbread house. It's very ornately decorated and festooned with these gourmet jelly beans. And Renica says to her friend, “Oh, my God, gourmet jelly beans. I love these.” And her friend's like, “What are gourmet jelly beans?” And she's like, “You know, they're like regular jelly beans, except they have these, like, crazy flavors, like root beer and coconut and margarita.” And her face totally lights up and she's like, “I love gourmet jelly beans.” And I look and I'm like, “That's it.” Gourmet jelly beans. I go home to my mom.
I'm like, "Mom, we have to go to the mall now. I need to get gourmet jelly beans." My mom says, "What are gourmet jelly beans?" And I'm like, "They're regular jelly beans, except they have these crazy flavors, like margarita and piña colada." And my mom says, "Are these for kids?" [audience laughter] And I said, "I don't know and I don't care." So, she drives me to the mall. I go to the Sweet Factory. I'm about to buy a pound of jelly beans. And then I decide to buy two pounds of jelly beans. Because I'm like, "I'm not going to blow this for lack of jelly beans." [audience laughter] So I get the jelly beans. The next day is the big reveal of the Secret Santa. I go over to her and I hand her the brooch. It's nicely wrapped and everything.
And she opens the brooch, and it's a tepid response. She's like, "Oh, yeah, this is nice. Thanks." I was like, "And also, I got you this." And it's a bag, and it's very wrapped. And she opens it and she pulls out the jelly beans. And they absolutely killed. I just saw the look on her face change. She went from kind of like this neutral, like, “Huh?” To like, she literally did the “huh.” And then she said, "How did you know?" And I said, "I just knew." [audience laughter] And she comes in to hug me. She wraps her arms around me and we share this kind of hug. And I feel her cable knit sweater under my hands. Her hair is on my neck and I feel something in the pit of my stomach that I've never felt before. And we take a step back from each other and she looks at me and she gives me a look that I've definitely never seen before. And the next day she shows up at school wearing the brooch and she's my girlfriend. [audience holler and cheer] And yes. And it took many, many, many more years for me to realize that getting a girlfriend and keeping a girlfriend are two completely different things. [audience laughter] But that's a different story. Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause]
Chloe: [00:07:40] That was Tim Lopez. Tim Lopez is a storyteller and teaching artist from Los Angeles. His stories have been heard on public radio stations and podcasts far and wide. He is also an educator with the Moth Community and Education programs where he works in local communities and with high school students to craft and perform true personal stories in New York City and beyond. Our stories this week gave me a very good excuse to get nosy and ask some friends to share their own experiences of past crushes. So, before we hear our next story, here's one from Moth host Dame Wilburn. She said “His name was Marco and we were sworn enemies from fourth to eighth grade. During a school trip to the sand dunes, when I was sitting with my knees bent, Marco sat in front of me and leaned his back against my legs. It was the first time a boy touched me. And 34 years later, he still crosses my mind whenever I see sand.” Whew. Dame, my goodness. Truly an 8th grade romance for the ages. Honestly, just a romance for the ages. And Marco, if you're listening, drop us a line. You can find us on Twitter and Facebook, The Moth, and @mothstories on Instagram. Up next on the podcast, Janine Hilling. Janine told this story at a StorySLAM in Melbourne, Australia, where the theme of the night was Creepy. Here's Janine, live at The Moth.
Janine: [00:09:15] At 13, I was a small-town bogan with a bad attitude and an even worse haircut. [audience laughter] But the man in my dreams, he was everything I wasn't. He was handsome, he was sophisticated, he was from the city. He was also 23 years old and my teacher. [audience chuckle] And look, nowadays when I think about Mr. Chow, I realize he wasn't really all that. Like, he was just an average-looking guy who wore the same jumper to school every single day. And it looked like it was made out of cat hair and tinsel. But back then, that wasn't the dealbreaker that it might be today. [audience laughter] At first, I watched Mr. Chow. I loved Mr. Chow from afar. His house was just behind ours with just a vacant block in between.
And so after school, when my parents were at work, I'd stand on the back veranda with a Winnie Red and a pair of binoculars that I borrowed off my mum's friend Sue, and I'd watch him. [audience laughter] And sometimes I'd get my camera and put it in between like a really shit paparazzi and try and get candid shots of Mr. Chow taking his bins out. [audience laughter] And that was okay for a while, but eventually I decided it was time to make my feelings known. It was a risky move, but I knew just the person to help me with it. My friend Joe had an extensive collection of Cosmopolitan magazines, and we were convinced these things would help us find a way for me to impress Mr. Chow and make him want to be my boyfriend.
So we read these things cover to cover, and eventually we found an article called something like "10 Easy Ways to Snare a Man" or something terrifyingly Cosmo like that. And the way we went with was like a nightclub situation, where I could use these man-eating moves that I would learn from the accompanying article to seduce the object of my desire on the dance floor. [audience laughter] And this was perfect because we had a school disco coming up the very next week. So, all week I practiced my moves and I picked out the sexiest song I could think of. And by the time the disco came around, I felt like I was ready.
So, there we are, me and Joe at the disco in the car park. Neck half a bottle of Carrington Blush, have a couple of quick darts, and I’ll wobble up to the DJ booth. One glassy eye on Mr. Chow, who's over there in the corner, completely unaware of what is about to go down. [audience laughter] I have a quick word with the DJ, who winks and puts on my song. AC/DC’s You Shook Me All Night Long. [audience laughter] With moves that looked probably nothing like [chuckles] the ones in Cosmo, I advanced towards Mr. Chow. And the thing I remember after all this time is just the look of pure horror [audience laughter] on this guy’s face as he saw me coming. He looked around for another teacher to help him, but everyone was busy. He was all alone. I advanced, he retreated. [audience laughter]
I circled him like a sheepdog, eventually dancing him into the corner where he remained, presumably in a state of shock, for the rest of the song. And I say presumably because by this time I was so intent on nailing my man-eating moves, I wasn't even paying attention to him anymore. I wasn't dancing with him, I wasn't even dancing for him. I was dancing at him. [audience laughter]
When the song was over, I turned on my heel and I walked straight out of there, because according to Cosmo, this would add an air of mystery to the whole thing [audience laughter] and leave the object of your desire feeling like he didn't know what had hit him. So, Joe joined me shortly afterwards and confirmed that, A, my dance moves had been off the hook, and, B, Mr. Chow definitely looked like someone who didn't know what had hit him. [audience laughter] I was so excited to go to school the next day. I didn’t know what this was going to mean for mine and Mr. Chow’s relationship, but I was pretty sure he was going to want to be my boyfriend. What I wasn’t expecting was a trip to the guidance counsellor’s office. [audience laughter] He had told her everything, and he’d even had the nerve to call my dance moves bizarre and inappropriate. [audience laughter] I was gutted. Mr. Chow did not want to be my boyfriend. [chuckles]
I was moved to a new class pretty much immediately after that. And although I still saw Mr. Chow around, when he wasn’t quick enough to just duck into a doorway when he saw me coming, eventually I just sort of filed that away in the part of my brain that I reserve for all of the many humiliating things I’ve done in my life. But nowadays when I think about it, part of me is just absolutely horrified that I could have done anything quite that creepy. But there’s another part of me that’s almost a little bit proud of that dumb, horny little dirtbag [audience laughter] who was trying so hard to be the sassy, sophisticated dirtbag she eventually became. [audience laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Chloe: [00:15:07] That was Janine Hilling. Janine is a Melbourne-based writer and storyteller who comes from a long line of talespinners. Her stories have been featured on ABC Radio National in Australia, and she's currently working on her first novel and a collection of short stories.
Crushes, like most things from our childhood, can be kind of cringey to reflect on, but the stories in this episode remind us to look at the golden parts as well, the butterfly rush, the vulnerability, and, yes, the laughter. In that spirit, I'll leave you with one last crush moment from Moth assistant producer Adrian Bento. Adrian said, "From fifth grade through high school, I would write all my crushes’ names on a hidden stick spot on the wall in my bedroom. We painted the room recently, but you can still see faint sharpie underneath the white paint." If you'd like to read more little crush moments from Moth storytellers and staff, head over to the extras for this episode at themoth.org/extras. Thank you to everyone who shared a moment or a story in this episode and to you for listening from all of us here at The Moth, have a story worthy week.
Julia: [00:16:22] Chloe Salmon is a producer on The Moth's Mainstage and StorySLAM teams, a director on the Mainstage, and a member of the Pitchline team. Her favorite Moth moments come on show days, when the cardio is done, the house lights go down, and the magic settles in. This episode of The Moth podcast was produced by me, Julia Purcell, with Sarah Austin Jenness, Sarah Jane Johnson, and Chloe Salmon. The rest of the Moth’s leadership team includes Catherine Burns, Sarah Haberman, Jenifer Hixson, Meg Bowles, Kate Tellers, Jennifer Birmingham, Marina Klutse, Suzanne Rust, Brandon Grant, Inga Glodowski, and Aldi Kaza. Moth stories are true as remembered and affirmed by storytellers. For more about our podcast, information on pitching your story, and everything else, go to our website, themoth.org. The Moth podcast is presented by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more public at prx.org.