Host: Sarah Austin Jenness
Sarah Austin Jenness: [00:00:02] Welcome to The Moth podcast. I'm Sarah Austin Jenness, The Moth 's executive producer.
Every week in 2022, The Moth has been celebrating its 25th anniversary by revisiting our history, counting down year by year. In 2006, The Moth took the Mainstage out on our first ever 10-city Moth story tour, and StorySLAMs expanded to Los Angeles. I had also just finished my first year on staff at The Moth, and I'll never forget this one wild 2006 Mainstage.
We decided to present the Seven Deadly Sins, a night with seven stories for seven sins, a story for every sin, only for Moth members, along with the New York Public Library's Young Lions, a group of literary minded New Yorkers in their 20s and 30s.
When word of our plan hit the streets, our phones rang off the hook, with people begging to become Moth members just to get in the room. I was picking up these phones and trying to negotiate with the pledge numbers going through the roof. Thank God. And the theater capacity was filled to the brim in minutes. The night of there was such buzz and we were so overly sold out that I had a very nice conversation with the, as I remember, very cute fire marshal who came to the New York Public Library to make sure everyone was safe. I did my best to speak with him in hushed tones as I stared at his fire axe and tried to keep the door closed to preserve the sound recording.
Andy Borowitz hosted this memorable show. And today, we'll hear from him and feature two of the seven stories told that night. Gluttony told by vocal cartoonist Zeroboy, and Lust told by writer Erica Jong. Live from the Seven Deadly Sins in 2006 at the New York Public Library, here's Andy Borowitz.
[cheers and applause]
Andy: [00:02:11] Welcome to The Moth, Seven Deadly Sins. It's a coproduction of The Moth and the Young Lion. So, let's hear it for them. [audience cheers and applause] Yes. Tonight's show is the Seven Deadly Sins. I know I learned them in college, so let me see if I can remember. They are envy, anger, greed, gluttony, pride, sloth and lust. That's not bad. [audience applause] Okay, I googled it this afternoon. I did. [audience laughter] Actually, I googled investment banking and then just went, I'm feeling lucky. [audience applause]
And that's what came up. Now, by way of introducing all of our storytellers, I asked them all the same questions, they would give their answer which would give you some idea of what their personalities are like. And the question I asked, is there are seven deadly sins, but if you could nominate an eighth sin, what would that be all right?
All right. We have a real special treat. We have a special guest coming up. He's going to tell a story, but it's a completely different kind of story. It's almost more of a soundscape, if you can wrap your brains around that. I asked him what he thought the eighth deadly sin should be, and he said, “Intolerance.” So, with that, let's hear it for Zero Boy.
[cheers and applause]
Zero Boy: [00:03:40] One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four five, six, seven da da da, seven da da da, seven da deadly, deadly, de-de-de- [makes explosive sounds] glut, glut, glut, gluttony, glut, Glut, glut, gluttony, glut, Glut, glut, gluttony, glut, Glut, glut, glut, glut. Yes, we have a reservation. Glut, Glut, glut, gluttony, glut, glut. Right this way to your table. Yes, sir. Would you like something to drink? Oh, yes. We have red wine, white wine and blue wine. Glut, glut, gluttony, glut, glut, glut, Chardonnay, Cabernet, Muscadet, Pinot Noir, [singing] Voulez-vous coucher avec moi? Glut, glut, glut, glut. Here you go, sir.
May we offer you some appetizers. No, no, no, we're trying to lose weight. Not too many appetizers. I think we'll have the cold sesame noodles. We'll have the shrimp. We'll have the crab cakes. We'll have, yes, and some edamame. Mommy, Mommy, give me some food. Glut, glut, glut, gluttony, glut glut, glut, gluttony. All right, sir, may we introduce you to some of our entrees. Entre, entre, entre, entre. We have the steak surrounded by a filo buttery cholesterol.
Glut, glut, glut, glut, glut, glut, glut. Yeah, that's my new Hummer. Yeah, gets about two miles per gallon. Glut, glut, glut, glut, gluttony, glut, glut, glut, glut. Now, may we introduce you to some of our desserts. Perhaps, you'd like some coffee or tea. I was really wondering about that, death by chocolate. Glut, glut, glut, glut, gluttony. Glut, glut, glut, glut, gluttony. I say let them eat cake. Glut, glut, glut, glut, gluttony, glut, glut, glut, glut, gluttony, glut, glut, glut. Glut, glut, glut, glut. Yes, I was wondering, perhaps could I see the bill, please? Money, money, money. Gluttony. Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
Andy: [00:06:58] Zero Boy. [audience cheers and applause] Zero Boy, I don't know what your process is like, but I really hope you rehearse your stuff on the subway. That's all I think. That would just be such a good thing to do. Our last storyteller, I asked her what she thought the eighth deadly sin should be? And she said, “Shopping.” [audience laughter] Good one. Good one. Erica Jong.
[cheers and applause]
Erica Jong: [00:07:35] I'm married currently to my fourth husband for 17 years. But I had a lot of fun in between marriages. [audience laughter] One of the people I had fun with was a fellow named Dart. I now call him the meat van man. Both my daughter and I have used him extensively in our books. In fact, we fight over who gets to use him in the next book.
Anyway, when I knew Dart, I was about 39 and he was about 26, or 25, or 24 or 23, I'm not sure. He was tall, and buff, and he had icy blue eyes and he worked out at the gym all the time. He was extremely handsome and an out of work actor. He was, we would call it, indefatigable in bed. Indefatigable in bed is once, twice, three times, four times, five times, some days, seven. I was madly in love with him. [audience laughter] I thought--
Now remember, this is a story about lust. I was asked which seven deadly sin I wanted. And I said, lust. That may be typecasting, but I decided, if you can't fight them, join them. [audience laughter] So, I'm lust, okay? So, Dart was adorable. I thought he was adorable. He came into my life. He was driving a strange truck. He came for tea on a Sunday afternoon. He slid off my driveway into a snow bank, and he stayed the night, and the next night, and the next night, and the next night and next night. Before we knew it, Dart had been living with me for five years. He had my credit cards. I had bought him a car. He was a very expensive habit. [audience laughter]
But finally, I went to AA with Dart, [audience laughter] because Dart was a drug addict. I decided I would get him sober. Dart discovered that he was a drug addict, and I discovered that Dart was my drug. And so, little by little, I broke up with Dart. I broke up with Dart, and years passed and I married a very nice man who gave me his credit cards and his car. It was an amazing transformation for me, because all my life I had paid for men. It was charming not to have to do that anymore. It was love. [audience laughter]
So, anyway, the years pass and I'm happily married for 15 years to a very nice lawyer. I'm taking a little nap in my house in Connecticut where my bedroom is on the first floor. I'm taking a little nap, which is unlike me because I'm extremely manic and I never sleep. And the doorbell rings. I'm not wearing my glasses, and I wander to the door, and I open it and there's this large blurry person, about 6’6” with an enormous pot belly. And it's saying, “I can't believe it, baby. You don't recognize me.”
I put on my glasses, and it's Dart with a pot belly, except that his shoulders are hunched and he's got waddles. He doesn't look the way he looked when I met him in that gym in Darien in 1984. [audience laughter] And I say, “Hey. How are you? How's it going? How's it hanging, Dart?” And he says, “Baby, I lost the only woman I ever loved.” And I say, “Who was that?” “Baby, can I sit down at the dining room table?” “Sure, sure, sit down.” So, he sits down at the dining room table and he says, “The only woman I ever loved, you. I screwed it up and I want to come back.” [audience laughter]
And I say, “Dart, you know, I'm married. I have a kid. I have a good marriage. It's nice. Get the fuck out of here and stop interfering with my life.” [audience laughter] And he says, “Yes, I lost the only woman I ever loved. And now I'm married. I'm married to Melissa. She's 5’9” and she's got humongous tits, and she's had two babies, and I don't know if they're mine, and I have to support them and I'd love to bring them to meet you.” [audience laughter]
So, I get the whole picture. Dart wants credit cards for both his kids. [audience laughter] Dart wants a car with two car seats in the back that will be safe in the great state of Connecticut, where you can get arrested for not having car seats. It was so much easier when I was young, you know? Anyway, we have this long conversation, and I tell him I'm not interested and I don't want to meet his kids and he should tie himself to the mast. And he says, “Baby, before I go, I have something I got to show you. Come out to my truck.”
So, I go out to the driveway. He opens this truck, and there in the back is meat. Every kind of meat you can imagine. Steaks, halibut steaks, and salmon steaks, and sirloin steaks and you name it. And I say, “What's going on?” And he says, “I'm selling meat, and it's fine. It's grade A meat.” And I said, “Dart, what happened to your acting career?” “You don't understand. This is the meat you can only get in restaurants. It's prime. It's beyond prime. It's double prime.”
He scoops up a bunch of it, and he takes it in his arms, and he walks into my house and he stacks it in the freezer. And I think, for me, a present? I look up at him, and for a moment, I think, he's not what I thought. He's not a bounder. He's not a guy who just takes your money and runs away. He really wants to give me something, meat. [audience laughter] So, I say, “Thank you, Dart. How can I ever repay you?” And he says, “Honey there, it's about $700 worth of meat, but for you, $400. Make it out to my name.” So, I make it out to cash. That's what a sweetie I am.
I make out the check for $450, and I give it to Dart. And he says, “Honey, you're the love of my life.” He gets into the truck and he goes up the hill, up the steep driveway and he doesn't drive off the driveway as he did on that first snowy night when he skidded off the driveway and into my bed, and Dart is gone. My daughter and my husband come home for lunch. I'm frying crab cakes, [audience laughter] and I'm frying salmon steaks and halibut steaks, and I never cook. The men in my life cook. My daughter is looking at me very suspiciously, because my daughter is a girl who used to panic when the nanny went off on Saturday and Sunday and look up at me and say, “Mama, can you cook?” But there I am frying crab cakes.
Molly says to me, “There's a secret in those crab cakes. I wonder what it is.” My daughter knows me very, very well. She says, “Mom, where did you get those crab cakes? I never saw you shop for groceries [chuckles] in our entire life together.” So, my husband comes home, and I serve them crab cakes, and crab claws, and halibuts and you name it. A few days go by, and they're eating this stuff. Ken never asks where did it come from, because he's very sweet. And Molly keeps razzing me. Finally, after about three days, I say, “Well, Chip is in the meat business, and I thought I ought to help him out.”
Whereupon there's incredible laughter and kicking each other under the table. Everybody is totally pissed about this. But they continue eating the crab cakes, and I say that I was just trying to do a good deed, and I got laughed out of town by my daughter and my husband. And in my ears, I kept hearing, “You're the only girl I ever loved. You are the one.” I think about it. I think about love, and I think about lust, and I think about how convinced I was by this fish story lust and how it wasn't love, but it was seven times a day and who could tell the difference. And time had gone by, and I knew the difference now, and he had made it up the hill and I still had a freezer full of frozen fish.
[cheers and applause]
Andy Borowitz: [00:18:45] Erica Jong. That's our show, ladies and gentlemen. Good night. Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
Sarah Austin Jenness: [00:18:54] What an experimental and unforgettable night. And as for our storytellers and host, Zeroboy is a vocal cartoonist and an East Village, New York icon, renowned for his unique blend of sound and mime. The results being akin to a performed comic book. His solo comedic routines have been featured throughout the US and Europe in theaters, vaudeville, burlesque, television, radio, film and digital media.
Erica Jong is a celebrated poet, novelist and essayist with over 27 published books that have been influential all over the world. Erica's most popular novel, Fear of Flying, just celebrated its 49th anniversary. Never out of print, it has sold over 35 million copies in over 50 languages. She lives in New York with her husband and two poodles. Her daughter, Molly Jong Fast, is a writer and political essayist.
Andy Borowitz is an award-winning comedian and New York Times bestselling author. In 2001, he created the Borowitz Report, a satirical news column which has millions of readers around the world. In 2012, the New Yorker began publishing the Borowitz Report. As a storyteller, he's hosted The Moth from 1999 to 2009. As a comedian, he's played to sold out venues around the world, including during his national tour Make America Not Embarrassing Again from 2018 to 2020. He is the first ever winner of the National Press Club's Humor Award, and he lives with his family in New Hampshire.
To find out more about all of our storytellers in this episode, pitch your own story and find out about Moth membership, so you too can join us at unique nights like the Seven Deadly Sins, visit themoth.org. That's it for this episode. From all of us here at The Moth, thanks for listening, and we hope you'll join us next time.
Marc Sollinger: [00:21:05] Sarah Austin Jenness is a director, The Moth's executive producer and a co-author of the best-selling How to Tell a Story: The Essential Guide to Memorable Storytelling from The Moth, which is available now wherever you get your books.
This episode of The Moth Podcast was produced by Sarah Austin Jenness, Sarah Jane Johnson and me, Marc Sollinger. Catherine Burns directed the stories in this episode. This episode is dedicated to the memory of Katie Sanderson, who ran The Young Lions program in 2006 and later came to work with us at The Moth.
The rest of The Moth’s leadership team include Catherine Burns, Sarah Haberman, Jenifer Hixson, Meg Bowles, Kate Tellers, Jennifer Birmingham, Marina Klutse, Suzanne Rust, Brandon Grant, Lee Ann Gullie, Inga Glodowski and Aldi Kaza. All Moth stories are true, as remembered by their storytellers.
For more about our podcast, information on pitching your own story and everything else, go to our website, themoth.org. The Moth Podcast is presented by PRX, The Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more public at prx.org.