Making the Team

When I was 15, I had a growth spurt. And it left me 6’3” and 200 pounds. So, I decided to join the high school football team. I did this partly, because people kept saying things to me like, ​“You play football, son?” [audience laughter] I could tell that ​“No” was not a satisfying answer. [audience laughter] I also did it to impress my dad. He’d been an all-conference wide receiver back in the day and he taught me the game. We didn’t just go and throw football. No, we would run plays in the yard, a post pattern, a flea flicker, some button hooks. I guess I did it because I wanted to solidify our connection, because at this point, I was 5 inches taller and 50 pounds heavier than he was. [audience laughter] And that was weird. [audience laughter] 

On the first day of practice, the coaches led us down to this dark, dank, grimy weight room for a strength test. I’m getting ready to do my first set of squat thrusts, and one of the coaches comes through and just announces to everyone, ​“Now remember, gentlemen, football doesn’t build character. It reveals character.” Okay. And that inspired the guy next to me to get in my face and say, ​“Come on, man, don’t quit. Punish yourself. Punish yourself.” I really wanted him to shut up, [audience laughter] because I really didn’t want everybody to notice that I was struggling with a barbell that had weights on it the size of donuts. [audience laughter] And I also was afraid that if they saw that, they would see right through me to the fact that I didn’t feel big. 

I felt like the same goofy, awkward kid who’d gotten picked on, who’d avoided confrontation any chance he could. I still lived mostly in the world in my head, thinking about Superman and Captain Kirk and Woody Allen. [audience laughter] I wanted football to help change that. I wanted it to help me stand up for myself and feel as big on the inside as I looked on the outside. 

The next day, went to the trainer to get fitted for the pads and equipment and everything. And after a while, the trainer just said that there was not a helmet in the building that would fit me, because my head was too physically large. [audience laughter] He said, ​“Coach, we’re going to have to special order one for this guy. Huge, really. No.” [audience laughter] I was assigned to work with the offensive line. These are big dudes who try to block the defense and protect the smaller guys who have the ball. I was trying to get the moves down and the coach came over, and gave me some tips and he said, ​“Son, when you get in the game, what you want to do is, get your elbow in there and bloody the guy’s lip a little bit.” And I thought, ​“That’s so mean.” [audience laughter] 

I almost said, ​“Coach, I don’t really want to hurt anybody. Is that going to be a problem?” [audience laughter] And then, they gathered us all at the end of practice for an announcement, they said, ​“Gentlemen, we are holding a fundraiser to get some new weight equipment. We want each of you to take a pledge form, go around, talk to your friends, your neighbors, your relatives, and get them to agree to give a little bit of money for each pound that you lift, because we’re going to have a public weightlifting display [audience laughter] next Saturday at the mall.” [audience laughter] 

And this was just multiple layers of humiliation just running through my head. I thought, what am I going to do? I get home, and I’m hyperventilating and I hear this voice in my head. And it sounded a little like Woody Allen circa 1986. And it just said, ​“You know, Graham, you don’t have to play football. It’s not required.” And my dad comes in and he says, ​“How was practice?” And without thinking to, I revealed my character, ​“Dad, this isn’t me. I’m quitting the team.” 

I didn’t know what he was going to say. He looked like he was thinking a hundred things at once. He left the room, and he came back a little later and his eyes were kind of shiny, but he said, ​“You do what’s right for you.” I felt like a weight the size of a grimy barbell just fell right off my shoulders. I decided to start putting those daydreams on paper. Became a writer. I founded my school’s literary magazine. Dad and I, still every once in a while, would go out, and run a few button hooks and flea flickers. It turned out that was the kind of football player I wanted to be. And that was good, because I’d already made the team. Thank you.