Clear for Takeoff

Nadia Hakim — Clear for Takeoff

Have y’all ever been on a flight where the pilot comes on the PA system and the first thing he does, rather than the typical, ​“We would like to welcome our frequent flyers,” skips all that, just goes straight into a prayer? [audience laughter] Just imagine. Just as soon as he gets on the PA system, [clears throat] just ​“Bismillah.” And just, ​“In the name of God the merciful, we pray for a safe journey,” so on and so forth. ​“God is great. God is great. God is great.” I see some of you nodding and smiling, and that’s because you have flown nationally in the Middle East, North African region. For those of you who haven’t, it is very unsettling to hear. [audience laughter] 

So, back up 45 minutes prior to the prayer, I’m sitting at the gate with my mother, who’s Filipino, my father, who’s Iranian, and my sister, who’s three years younger than me. They come and make the announcement that, ​“Sorry for the delay, flight such-and-such to Shiraz for Aseman Air is now going to start boarding. So, please, everyone, line up in an orderly manner.” Shoom. All right, it’s just pure chaos. 

You can’t even get mad, because Iranians are so kind and so polite. Like, the whole way, they’re just like, ​“Oh, please let me help you with your luggage. Please, please, please,” but like hustling you, you know? [audience chuckle] So, it’s that way all the way to the shuttle. As we’re approaching the aircraft on the shuttle, my dad’s looking at it, and he’s examining the plane and he says, ​“Oh, shoot, is that a 727?” My parents have worked for the airlines all my life, so I started going through my list. I’m like, ​“737, 747, 777, Bombardier. Okay.”

“Baba, have we ever flown on a 727?” And he said, ​“No, that’s because they stopped making 727s in 1984, [audience laughter] and they would have gotten this before the Islamic Revolution in 1979. So, this plane’s about 35 years old. Well, it’s too late to turn back now.” So, we get on this 35-ish-year-old plane, and we get situated in our seats, and the flight attendant comes by [chuckles] and asks the guy in the row in front of us, he’s like, ​“Excuse me, sir, what time was the flight supposed to leave?” [audience laughter] The guy’s like, ​“It’s 7 o’clock.” And so, the flight attendant, ​“Oh, so, we’re only 45 minutes late then.” 

We have this running joke in Iran that Iranians only use time to tell the difference between day and night. [audience laughter] So, exhibit A, your flight crew doesn’t know your departure time. So, cue the prayer. And then, the plane starts moving, so that we can get ready for takeoff. [makes a screeching noise] and then the brakes, [makes a screeching noise] and then the wing flaps, [makes a screeching noise], like, there is not a drop of oil on this plane. [audience laughter] It’s like, ​“How did that prayer go again?” [audience laughter] 

But we take off, we get in the air, and then the pilot comes on, and says all the stuff we were expecting, ​“Welcome to the flight from Esfahan to Shiraz. It’s going to be about an hour and 15 minutes, so we’re not going to turn off the fasten seatbelt sign.” But as he’s saying this, the beverage cart comes by. And right after the beverage cart is another flight attendant who’s handing out containers of fresh stew and fresh rice. And Iranian stews are, like, not something you can sloppily throw together like a turkey sandwich or anything like this. It is a labor of love. 

The way that this stew tasted, it was as if [chuckles] the pilot’s mother, maybe even his grandmother, like before he was heading out the door, she was like, ​“Puya, puya joon, take some pomegranate stew for your airplane friends. [audience laughter] Come on, just bring some.” And in that moment, I’m realizing, like, no wonder when my uncle comes from Iran to visit the States, and he has to fly domestically, he gets so pissed. ​“Snacks, snacks, tiny pretzel peanuts.” [audience laughter] Like, if this is what’s waiting for you on an hour flight back in Iran. Heck yeah, I would be pissed, too.

So, just as quickly as they serve everything, they quickly clean it up and they come onto the PA system and they’re asking for a doctor on board. I know, as if anything else could happen on this. It turns out that the woman directly behind me, she’s not feeling well. So, they come with an oxygen tank and they get the mask on her. But it’s 15 minutes until we land, so the flight attendants, they come up to us and they’ve got to hand off this oxygen tank. So, they’re sizing my sister and me up. 

My sister, she’s 28 years old now and a pharmacist. Up until last year, they have been giving her a hard time sitting in the emergency exit rows on airplanes, because they think she’s too young. You have to be 15 to sit in those rows, [audience laughter] all right? So, they’re sizing my baby-faced sister and me up, and they ultimately decide that Baby Yoda is the more competent-looking one [audience laughter] out of the two of us. So, they place it on her. It’s as big as she is and they say, ​“Hey, so, if this needle goes into the red– ” Persian vocabulary that we don’t remember from over 15 years ago in those Sunday school classes. Crud. ​“How does that prayer go again?” [audience chuckles] 

So, fortunately, we survived the noisiest landing of all time. The needle never goes into the red. We get to see my family, who– a lot of them I had never met. I honestly wish I could tell you that this story happened a few months ago. I honestly wish I could tell you it happened even just a couple of years ago. But it’s been five going on six years since I’ve been in Iran last, and I’m just constantly beating myself up for not having gone back and visited my family sooner. How were we supposed to know that there would be travel bans? How were we supposed to know that there could possibly be a full-blown-out war? Crud. How does that prayer go again? Thank you.